7 Tips for Effective Negotiation During Divorce Mediation

Many Connecticut divorces are resolved at the mediation stage, rather than going through the time, expense, and emotional strain of a trial. Understandably, parties come into their mediation session with no clear plan for what they want most or how to get it. Your marriage has broken down, and gaining an objective perspective on the real issues in your divorce case, such as property distribution and support, may not be the first thing on your mind. Effective negotiation during divorce mediation can help you protect what is most important to you, and reach a resolution you can feel good about.

Tips for Preparing for Divorce Mediation

Effective negotiation starts long before the day of mediation. Here are some tips for ways to prepare for your divorce mediation, to make the most of your time with the facilitator.

Identify Your Top Divorce Priorities

Many Connecticut residents participating in divorce have a general sense that they want a “fair” outcome, but little else. You may have strong feelings about your children’s custody, keeping the marital home, your retirement accounts, or how the family business is divided. Generally speaking, these will be the basic issues in any divorce:

• Child custody and parenting time if there are children under 18
• Child Support if there are children under 18
• Alimony
• Property division (including debts)
• Postsecondary (college, technical school) support (particularly as high school-age children approach graduation)

By prioritizing these issues and identifying what means the most to you, you can set clear goals for mediation and find issues where you see room to negotiate.

Be Prepared and Informed

Connecticut family law gives parties and the court a lot of flexibility in how they divide their property. But before you can negotiate a fair property settlement, you need to know everything that is on the table to be divided, and what those assets are worth. We have a system for gathering accurate information from both parties for this purpose, so there is no need to spend a lot of time and effort compiling it before beginning the mediation. During the course of the mediation, though, we may require both parties to gather financial documents including:

• Tax returns
• Bank statements
• Investment account disclosures
• Retirement portfolio documents
• Credit card statements
• Mortgage balances and payment histories
• Student loan balances
• Medical debts
• Personal loan balances

If you estimate the value of key properties like your home and vehicle with online tools, remember these are often slightly inaccurate. In appropriate situations, we may recommend obtaining appraisals, particularly for real property. Divorce mediation will require full disclosure, so we will need accurate total incomes for both you and your spouse, including things like pensions or disability payments. This is particularly important if alimony or child support are up for negotiation.

Tips for Effective Divorce Negotiations at Mediation

An effective divorce mediation facilitates resolution of the above issues from the parties themselves. In the course of the mediation you should keep the following in mind. Doing so will reduce stress and conflict and allow effective negotiation.

Take Care of Your Personal Needs

Physical issues can negatively affect your mindset during mediation and during the divorce process in general. It’s fair to say that for almost everyone, divorce is one of the most, if not the most, trying time in their lives. But it is a transitional period, and you will get through it. If you are hungry, cold, tired, or uncomfortable, you will not be in the best state of mind to negotiate an effective compromise. Get a good night’s sleep the night before, eat a solid meal, and avoid drinking too much caffeine. We set reasonable limitations on the duration of each mediation session, so as to minimize fatigue and maximize the issues that can meaningfully be resolved.

Actively Listen to Your Spouse’s Positions

At some point during mediation, your spouse will describe his or her priorities and positions. This is a necessary step in negotiating a divorce settlement. The mediator will not assume that you agree, or necessarily endorse what is being said, but each spouse will need to actively listen to what the other spouse is saying, without interrupting, and try to understand the reasons behind the stated priorities. This will make it easier for you to empathize with your spouse’s needs and reach a settlement that feels good to both parties.

Focus on the Future

Divorce can come with a lot of baggage and bad history between spouses. But if you focus on “getting back” at your spouse or making up for past harms, it will be much harder to negotiate a fair settlement. While your feelings about the past matter, your focus should be on what will make things better for you in the future. Especially when children are involved (meaning you and your spouse will have an ongoing relationship after the divorce), you should focus on ways to make future conversations, dispute resolution, and problem solving easier for everyone involved.

Stay Flexible and Consider New Ways to Reach Your Goals

Once you and your spouse have each expressed your priorities and goals, try to avoid rigid thinking about how you will get there. For every issue in a divorce there are many “tried and true” alternatives and new ideas every day. Although the potential issues are always the same, every case is unique and the resolution process has been accurately analogized to a fabric on a “loom” where, if one thread is loosened, another can be tightened to accomodate. The mediator can facilitate a discussion to identify common ground and suggest alternatives that can get you both where you want to go. That is the key to collaborative problem solving and successful co-parenting.

The Separation Agreement

During your mediation we will develop a “separation agreement” that both parties clearly understand and are comfortable with. We will then submit the separation agreement to the court, along with other forms which request an uncontested dissolution of your marriage. After review by a judge, the court will incorporate the separation agreement into its final divorce judgment, so that the terms we reach in the mediation will define the rights and responsibilities of each spouse arising from your marriage, going forward. We take care of all the procedural aspects of this, and at the successful conclusion of your mediation it will almost certainly be unnecessary for you to make any appearance in court. Divorce negotiations can be complicated, time consuming, and emotionally draining. However, working with a skilled mediator, the parties can come to a reasonable agreement, and avoid the time, expense, and public exposure of a Connecticut divorce trial. The divorce mediation attorneys at Lawrence & Jurkiewicz practice in Hartford and Litchfield County.